The Reason

I’m not a love poet;

I don’t talk about arms made of brick—

all the better to trap you in, my dear;

I don’t trip the light orgasmic—

all the better to blind you with, my dear;

I don’t turn kisses into metaphors about the ocean—

all the better to drown you with, my dear;

but, today, I am that man,

because you’ve made me the reason.

You tell me that you’ve spent the past week

walking into work with a cantaloupe-half grin,

inspiring your boss to ask, “Boy, what are you so happy about?”

When you whisper these sweetest of somethings into my ear,

I want to scream, “It feels so good to be someone’s reason again!”

because eyes

because sexy back

because fingers that shoot bolts of electricity

because he stands taller than a twin-less tower

because

because

because

because

because I’ve been writing “because” poems since the other one left

and, now, I get to trade in my because, because I’m the reason.

So, no, I’m not a love poet;

I don’t pen lines about eyes that are deep—

all the better to bury you in, my dear;

I don’t trip over love that’s unrequited—

all the better reason to put you in a straightjacket sweater, my dear;

In my poetry, I don’t talk about hearts,

because, in the past, mine’s been broken—

all the better reason to fix you up, my queer dear.

It’s early and

we’re nowhere close to love,

but being your reason

gives me a reason to huff and puff before I blow

you

away

with

lips that know their share of wolves—

all the better to kiss you with

Pity Party of 1

Allow me to have my drunken, self-indulgent, pity-me moment:

so much of my work is about being single and dating.

let’s just skip to the end:
i never meet him.

he doesn’t come.
ever.

i am the opposite of the fairy tale.

i turn princes into frogs.

Media Distinction

Gay men don’t have periods,
we have commas,
which explains why so many of us are bent (and)
out of shape.

We have commas—
straight lines
gone awry,
swerves and curves that give people
pause.

We are breaths
taken mid-sentence;
misplaced, overused, and abused by schoolboys;
signifiers that connect the seemingly disjointed.

Peaches and Cream

I “love me some” Real Housewives of Atlanta. After the other night’s premiere, I stumbled around my apartment in an Atlanta-induced haze. Season 2 started off bigger and badder than any episode in the history of the Housewives franchise. Even the peaches were brasher! I can just imagine NeNe going up to a producer and saying, “Last season’s peaches were too damn small. Get me some juicier peaches up in here. I want my peach to look like a big old titty”; at which point, Sheree cuts her off and declares, “Hell to the no; we want peaches that look like coochies, with a luscious, scrumptious crack right down the middle.” Lisa, ever the mediator, steps in and suggests, “What about coochie titties? We could have peaches that look like moist, buxom coochie titties!” Problem solved. Case closed.

I hate putting this idea out into the universe because I KNOW some a-hole is going to steal it; but, over the last year, I’ve been thinking about transcribing episodes of Atlanta and producing and starring in a stage version of the series, in which a cast of gay actors play all the Atlanta divas. If you live in Florida, have theatre connections, and are interested in this production, please contact me. The campiest of authors couldn’t come up some of the delicious, over-the-top dialogue and scenarios featured in Atlanta. I mean, who in their right mind would hold a charity fundraiser FOR a primarily African American audience IN the South, sell prominent black people AT AUCTION, and then ACT SURPRISED when nobody places a bid?

I’ve already decided which housewife I want to play. Most of you probably think I’m dying to play NeNe. Nope! With NeNe, what you see is what you get. I want to dig my drama claws in the most complex, duplicitous member of the Atlanta cast: Sheree, owner of She by Sheree fashion sketches and self-anointed guest of honor at every party she attends. On this week's episode, Sheree attended comic Niecy Nash’s birthday and acted like she had NO CLUE she was at a birthday party. That bitch’s bony ass spent the ENTIRE NIGHT at the “step and repeat.” Don’t confuse my “bitch” and “bony ass” description for vitriol. In the gay community, “bitch” and “bony ass” have SEVERAL meaning and connotations. “Bitch” is to the gay community what snow is to Eskimos. Kelly Bensimon (from the New York series) is a bitch, but in a bad way; when I call Kelly a bitch, I mean to say, “She’s a nasty shiksa whore.” And she is. When I call Sheree a bitch, I meant to say, “I LOVE Sheree!” I love her sketches, fashion “viewings,” and “fab-a-lus jury.” Almost every sentence that drips from her lips is poetry. Take, for example, some of last night’s gems:

“I would love/

to come in/

on a helicopter.”

&

“Who says,/

‘Yo mama’?/

What ever happened/

to customer service?”

Sheree does her best to put on a Valerie Cherish-like front, acting prim and proper when she has the fortitude to control her emotions; but, boy howdy, look out when blood stains her cheeks a rich crimson, ‘cuz muscles tear through her American Apparel shirt with the words “SHE by SHEree” silk screened on it, and the HULK becomes unleashed. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when she talks to producers after one of her many meltdowns. I imagine the scene playing out just like an episode of The Comeback.

Sheree: Can you go back and just erase that nonsense.

Producer: Nope.

Sheree: ‘Cuz I don’t think my fans care about me fighting.

Producer: I’ll tell you what, Sheree. We can’t erase it but we can flag it.

Sheree: Oh, you can flag it? Well, okay. Flag it then. Consider that whole scene flagged. The entire scene. Can you put two flags on it? You know what, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. Just flag it. Put a flag on it. That way the story editors will know not to use it. ‘Cuz it’s flagged. That whole scene is flagged.


Internet gods, you got me two book deals. All I ask from you now is to find a theatre producer for my play. I’m destined to play Sheree. DESTINED, I say! In fact, from now on, call me Re-ree (pronounced “ree-ray”), owner of Re (pronounced “ree” & short for “retarded”) by Re-ree.

You might be a dbag...

Special Reader’s Advisory: “Might” does not imply you ARE a douche bag. But, if you’re guilty of more than three things on this list, you probably ARE a douche bag.

1. If you are NOT Chinese and any inch of your skin is marked with tattoos of Chinese alphabetic characters, you might be a douche bag.

2. If you wear black trench coat in temperature exceeding 90 degrees, you might be a douche bag.

3. If you greet people with a sideways, 2-finger peace sign, you are more than likely a douche bag.

4. If you’re a vegan AND a smoker, you’re probably a douche bag.

5. If you add a superfluous “U” to words in an effort to sound more European (e.g., “favoUrite”), you might be a douche bag.

6. If you wear sunglasses INSIDE the gym and WHILE you are working out, you might be (and probably are) a douche bag.

7. If you post a Crag’s List “Missed Connection” to find a person you’ve already slept with, you’re a douche bag, unless you asked for, received, and lost the person’s number.

8. If you STILL wear upturned collars on your primary color polo shirts, youmight be are a douche bag.

9. If you have a beard BUT NOT a moustache, you might be a douche bag.

10. If people frequently refer to you as “juicy” or a “juice head,” you might be a douche bag.

11. If a chain connects your wallet to a belt loop, you just might be a douche bag.

12. If the BACK OF YOUR NECK is pierced, you might be a douche bag.

13. If you’re a customer service representative, make no mistake, you ARE a douche bag.

14. If you own ANYTHING that’s made out of old airplane seatbelts, you might be a douche bag.

15. If you regularly smoke pot OUT OF AN APPLE, you might be a douche bag.

16. If you have had more than ten spray tans and are not a Dancing with the Stars competitor, do not pass “Go”; you ARE a douche bag.

17. If MOST of your CLOSE friends are more than 15 years younger than you, you might be a douche bag.

18. If you have ever been divorced AND/OR had sex before “tying the knot,” and are against gay marriage because you claim to believe in its sanctity, you ARE a douche bag.

19. If you own more than two items with a skull and cross bones stitched into the fabric, you might be a douche bag.

20. If you use the term “douche bag” to describe annoying people and their habits, you’re most likely a douche bag.

Some things Hitler ruined forever:

1. The name Adolph.

2. Little black mustaches.

3. The swastika as a 'good luck symbol'

4. Walking like a goose.

5. Hailing taxis with a straight art.

6. Aryan art exhibits.

7. 'Annexing' countries.

What a great shame.

NOBAMA

I’m tired of listening to some marriage equality advocates defend Obama’s flip-flopping on the issue of equal rights for gay people. To remind everyone, Obama advocated marriage equality before he made his bid for the presidency. When Senator Obama became candidate Obama, he abandoned gay marriage for federally recognized civil unions, a separate but equal institution. Talking about civil unions allows Obama to speak out of both sides of his pretty, pretty mouth. While running his mouth and for office, he promised to actively pursue an equal rights agenda, including overturning unpopular Clintonian compromises, like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and DOMA. President Obama has broken so many promises to the gay community, I’m beginning to feel like that chick from the latest season of The Bachelor; the one who suffered the taken back proposal. Yes, I feel like Obama asked me to marry him, and, after I said “yes” at the ballot box, he said, “You know, I think I’d rather marry Rick Warren instead. He’s got such a nice family with so many wonderful connections. Sorry ‘bout that proposal. I really meant it when I asked. No hard feelings!” President Obama, you don’t get off that easy.

Since I’ve come out of the anti-Obama closet, several people have reduced my position to, “Noël’s a single-issue voter.” This isn’t the case. Regarding fundamental reasons he was voted into office, Obama has backtracked and veered right. I don’t like his positions on the Iraq war; nor do I see eye-to-eye with him on the latest torture developments. Oversimplifying my position constructs a straw man argument. But, even if I were a single-issue voter, equal rights is a pretty compelling, timely issue.

While I’m on my soapbox, allow me to respond to a ridiculous refrain to which I’ve read and listened. “He’s got bigger fish to fry! We’re in a war. Look at the economy.” Believe it or not, Obama can focus on the war, economy, AND equal rights. Need I remind you that the Civil Rights Movement, second wave of feminism, and Gay Liberation took place at the same time we fought in Vietnam. And, if we’re talking economy, have those of you singing the “bigger fish” refrain seen the hundreds of millions of dollars gay marriage injects into the economy? Obama couldn’t even be bothered to make a public statement about Proposition 8 the day the California State Supreme Court supported the ballot initiative. He didn’t even urge all the people protesting AROUND THE COUNTRY to stay calm and lawful. His first public statement was fittingly provided in Los Angeles the day after the court affirmed the tyrannical rule of the state’s majority. In his first public acknowledgement of the ruling, he MADE FUN OF a protester's sign outside of the event, remarking that he didn’t know which “promise” the protester thought he “broke.”

I’ve seen enough emotionally abusive relationships to know when “later” means “never”; I also know when I’m being slapped in the face (e.g., Rick Warren, marriage equality backtracking, and other broken promises). Wake up! Now’s the time! Not later. Democrats hold control of Congress AND the presidency. Democrats don’t get endless opportunities to TURN WRONGS INTO RIGHTS. Now. Not tomorrow. NOW. My dream of “hope” and “change” shouldn’t die the minute the Obamas hang their clothes in the White House.

I understand why so many gay people and other progressives defend Obama’s abuse. Abused people make a number of illogical rhetorical moves to justify why they suffer. Is he normally sweet? Do you think being with him is better than being alone (or without a party)? Are you convinced you deserve the abuse? Or that, in time, things will get better? Is he just acting this way because things are “bad at work”? Wake up, because he won’t wake up unless YOU DO. His political ambitions ARE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR RIGHTS.