Allow me to have my drunken, self-indulgent, pity-me moment:
so much of my work is about being single and dating.
let’s just skip to the end:
i never meet him.
he doesn’t come.
ever.
i am the opposite of the fairy tale.
i turn princes into frogs.
Pity Party of 1
Media Distinction
Gay men don’t have periods,
we have commas,
which explains why so many of us are bent (and)
out of shape.
We have commas—
straight lines
gone awry,
swerves and curves that give people
pause.
We are breaths
taken mid-sentence;
misplaced, overused, and abused by schoolboys;
signifiers that connect the seemingly disjointed.
Peaches and Cream
I “love me some” Real Housewives of Atlanta. After the other night’s premiere, I stumbled around my apartment in an Atlanta-induced haze. Season 2 started off bigger and badder than any episode in the history of the Housewives franchise. Even the peaches were brasher! I can just imagine NeNe going up to a producer and saying, “Last season’s peaches were too damn small. Get me some juicier peaches up in here. I want my peach to look like a big old titty”; at which point, Sheree cuts her off and declares, “Hell to the no; we want peaches that look like coochies, with a luscious, scrumptious crack right down the middle.” Lisa, ever the mediator, steps in and suggests, “What about coochie titties? We could have peaches that look like moist, buxom coochie titties!” Problem solved. Case closed.
I hate putting this idea out into the universe because I KNOW some a-hole is going to steal it; but, over the last year, I’ve been thinking about transcribing episodes of Atlanta and producing and starring in a stage version of the series, in which a cast of gay actors play all the Atlanta divas. If you live in Florida, have theatre connections, and are interested in this production, please contact me. The campiest of authors couldn’t come up some of the delicious, over-the-top dialogue and scenarios featured in Atlanta. I mean, who in their right mind would hold a charity fundraiser FOR a primarily African American audience IN the South, sell prominent black people AT AUCTION, and then ACT SURPRISED when nobody places a bid?
I’ve already decided which housewife I want to play. Most of you probably think I’m dying to play NeNe. Nope! With NeNe, what you see is what you get. I want to dig my drama claws in the most complex, duplicitous member of the Atlanta cast: Sheree, owner of She by Sheree fashion sketches and self-anointed guest of honor at every party she attends. On this week's episode, Sheree attended comic Niecy Nash’s birthday and acted like she had NO CLUE she was at a birthday party. That bitch’s bony ass spent the ENTIRE NIGHT at the “step and repeat.” Don’t confuse my “bitch” and “bony ass” description for vitriol. In the gay community, “bitch” and “bony ass” have SEVERAL meaning and connotations. “Bitch” is to the gay community what snow is to Eskimos. Kelly Bensimon (from the New York series) is a bitch, but in a bad way; when I call Kelly a bitch, I mean to say, “She’s a nasty shiksa whore.” And she is. When I call Sheree a bitch, I meant to say, “I LOVE Sheree!” I love her sketches, fashion “viewings,” and “fab-a-lus jury.” Almost every sentence that drips from her lips is poetry. Take, for example, some of last night’s gems:
“I would love/
to come in/
on a helicopter.”
&
“Who says,/
‘Yo mama’?/
What ever happened/
to customer service?”
Sheree does her best to put on a Valerie Cherish-like front, acting prim and proper when she has the fortitude to control her emotions; but, boy howdy, look out when blood stains her cheeks a rich crimson, ‘cuz muscles tear through her American Apparel shirt with the words “SHE by SHEree” silk screened on it, and the HULK becomes unleashed. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when she talks to producers after one of her many meltdowns. I imagine the scene playing out just like an episode of The Comeback.
Sheree: Can you go back and just erase that nonsense.
Producer: Nope.
Sheree: ‘Cuz I don’t think my fans care about me fighting.
Producer: I’ll tell you what, Sheree. We can’t erase it but we can flag it.
Sheree: Oh, you can flag it? Well, okay. Flag it then. Consider that whole scene flagged. The entire scene. Can you put two flags on it? You know what, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. Just flag it. Put a flag on it. That way the story editors will know not to use it. ‘Cuz it’s flagged. That whole scene is flagged.
Internet gods, you got me two book deals. All I ask from you now is to find a theatre producer for my play. I’m destined to play Sheree. DESTINED, I say! In fact, from now on, call me Re-ree (pronounced “ree-ray”), owner of Re (pronounced “ree” & short for “retarded”) by Re-ree.
You might be a dbag...
Special Reader’s Advisory: “Might” does not imply you ARE a douche bag. But, if you’re guilty of more than three things on this list, you probably ARE a douche bag. 1. If you are NOT Chinese and any inch of your skin is marked with tattoos of Chinese alphabetic characters, you might be a douche bag. 2. If you wear black trench coat in temperature exceeding 90 degrees, you might be a douche bag. 3. If you greet people with a sideways, 2-finger peace sign, you are more than likely a douche bag. 4. If you’re a vegan AND a smoker, you’re probably a douche bag. 5. If you add a superfluous “U” to words in an effort to sound more European (e.g., “favoUrite”), you might be a douche bag. 6. If you wear sunglasses INSIDE the gym and WHILE you are working out, you might be (and probably are) a douche bag. 7. If you post a Crag’s List “Missed Connection” to find a person you’ve already slept with, you’re a douche bag, unless you asked for, received, and lost the person’s number. 8. If you STILL wear upturned collars on your primary color polo shirts, youmight be are a douche bag. 9. If you have a beard BUT NOT a moustache, you might be a douche bag. 10. If people frequently refer to you as “juicy” or a “juice head,” you might be a douche bag. 11. If a chain connects your wallet to a belt loop, you just might be a douche bag. 12. If the BACK OF YOUR NECK is pierced, you might be a douche bag. 13. If you’re a customer service representative, make no mistake, you ARE a douche bag. 14. If you own ANYTHING that’s made out of old airplane seatbelts, you might be a douche bag. 15. If you regularly smoke pot OUT OF AN APPLE, you might be a douche bag. 16. If you have had more than ten spray tans and are not a Dancing with the Stars competitor, do not pass “Go”; you ARE a douche bag. 17. If MOST of your CLOSE friends are more than 15 years younger than you, you might be a douche bag. 18. If you have ever been divorced AND/OR had sex before “tying the knot,” and are against gay marriage because you claim to believe in its sanctity, you ARE a douche bag. 19. If you own more than two items with a skull and cross bones stitched into the fabric, you might be a douche bag. 20. If you use the term “douche bag” to describe annoying people and their habits, you’re most likely a douche bag.
Some things Hitler ruined forever:
1. The name Adolph.
2. Little black mustaches.
3. The swastika as a 'good luck symbol'
4. Walking like a goose.
5. Hailing taxis with a straight art.
6. Aryan art exhibits.
7. 'Annexing' countries.
What a great shame.
NOBAMA
I’m tired of listening to some marriage equality advocates defend Obama’s flip-flopping on the issue of equal rights for gay people. To remind everyone, Obama advocated marriage equality before he made his bid for the presidency. When Senator Obama became candidate Obama, he abandoned gay marriage for federally recognized civil unions, a separate but equal institution. Talking about civil unions allows Obama to speak out of both sides of his pretty, pretty mouth. While running his mouth and for office, he promised to actively pursue an equal rights agenda, including overturning unpopular Clintonian compromises, like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and DOMA. President Obama has broken so many promises to the gay community, I’m beginning to feel like that chick from the latest season of The Bachelor; the one who suffered the taken back proposal. Yes, I feel like Obama asked me to marry him, and, after I said “yes” at the ballot box, he said, “You know, I think I’d rather marry Rick Warren instead. He’s got such a nice family with so many wonderful connections. Sorry ‘bout that proposal. I really meant it when I asked. No hard feelings!” President Obama, you don’t get off that easy.
Since I’ve come out of the anti-Obama closet, several people have reduced my position to, “Noël’s a single-issue voter.” This isn’t the case. Regarding fundamental reasons he was voted into office, Obama has backtracked and veered right. I don’t like his positions on the Iraq war; nor do I see eye-to-eye with him on the latest torture developments. Oversimplifying my position constructs a straw man argument. But, even if I were a single-issue voter, equal rights is a pretty compelling, timely issue.
While I’m on my soapbox, allow me to respond to a ridiculous refrain to which I’ve read and listened. “He’s got bigger fish to fry! We’re in a war. Look at the economy.” Believe it or not, Obama can focus on the war, economy, AND equal rights. Need I remind you that the Civil Rights Movement, second wave of feminism, and Gay Liberation took place at the same time we fought in Vietnam. And, if we’re talking economy, have those of you singing the “bigger fish” refrain seen the hundreds of millions of dollars gay marriage injects into the economy? Obama couldn’t even be bothered to make a public statement about Proposition 8 the day the California State Supreme Court supported the ballot initiative. He didn’t even urge all the people protesting AROUND THE COUNTRY to stay calm and lawful. His first public statement was fittingly provided in Los Angeles the day after the court affirmed the tyrannical rule of the state’s majority. In his first public acknowledgement of the ruling, he MADE FUN OF a protester's sign outside of the event, remarking that he didn’t know which “promise” the protester thought he “broke.”
I’ve seen enough emotionally abusive relationships to know when “later” means “never”; I also know when I’m being slapped in the face (e.g., Rick Warren, marriage equality backtracking, and other broken promises). Wake up! Now’s the time! Not later. Democrats hold control of Congress AND the presidency. Democrats don’t get endless opportunities to TURN WRONGS INTO RIGHTS. Now. Not tomorrow. NOW. My dream of “hope” and “change” shouldn’t die the minute the Obamas hang their clothes in the White House.
I understand why so many gay people and other progressives defend Obama’s abuse. Abused people make a number of illogical rhetorical moves to justify why they suffer. Is he normally sweet? Do you think being with him is better than being alone (or without a party)? Are you convinced you deserve the abuse? Or that, in time, things will get better? Is he just acting this way because things are “bad at work”? Wake up, because he won’t wake up unless YOU DO. His political ambitions ARE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR RIGHTS.
These are a few of my favorite things.
1. Awkwardphotos.com: You know how, when something really shitty happens, friends and family say, “Fifteen years down the line, we’re gonna’ look back at this and laugh” ; and, through the tears, you say, “You think? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to laugh at this. It’s just so. . .horrible.” This website is a pictorial representation of the scenario I just described. As a kid, I HATED taking family photos. I remember my mother squeezing me into too-small shoes and midget dress suits in 105-degree Miami weather. Most of us despise family photos and can’t imagine deriving pleasure for the most insincere of family facades. Trust me: This website will give you hours of enjoyment.
2. Roomba: Every gay has his limits. Some won’t top; others won’t bottom. I know gay guys who won’t go down on guys unless they’re wearing a condom. I’ve got boundaries, too. I don’t vacuum. Let me say it again in my best Real Housewives of Atlanta accent: “I dooooooooooon’t vacroom.” If I didn’t run my Roomba on a daily basis, my hardwood floors would turn into a thick, smelly dog hair carpet and then Carmen our cleaning lady would yell at me for being messy. I am repeatedly shocked at how effectively Roomba vacuums my floor. And, no, “vacuums my floor” isn’t a euphemism for anything sexual. I may be gay but I do not advocate man-on-robot love.
3. Damages: This show is sexless porn for gay men who love bitchy, smart, stylish women. The program features two thin, Armani-clothed, gorgeous gals, who devote their lives to manipulating and trying to kill one another. It’s like a family reunion! I could spend 500 consecutive hours watching Glenn Close and Rose Byrne taking turns slapping one another in the face, licking blood off their lips, and whispering “bitch.” A quick note to my feminist friends who think gay men tend to objectify women as much (if not more) than straight men: You’re right! And I feel so much shame. So much. Maybe you should come over to my house, slap me in the face, call me “bitch,” and then watch my tongue wipe salty blood from the corner of my pretty, pretty mouth. Patty Hewes is a gay man’s Traci Lords.
4. Bump Application (iPhone): The poet in me loves poetic iPhone applications. Bump allows iPhone users to transfer contact information with a simple bump of two iPhones. I’m not kidding. Bump two iPhones against one another and the two devices exchange name, phone number, address, birthday, owner picture, and other bits of contact info. It’s like the devices are infecting one another with STD’s, or socially transmitted data. Bump’s the perfect application for coke head social butterflies who do bumps in the bathroom and can then bump newly made cocaine contacts into their cell phones. Hell, I don’t even do cocaine, and I love this application, which I might add is FREE on iTunes.
5. Complaining about being a second class citizen. There are many skeptics that believe that bitching over the internet won't do anything. I beg to differ! The more we cram this issue down people's throats the more public opinion will begin to change. Remember how the public ended the war in Vietnam? Yea that's right, by showing people soldiers dying every night on their TVs. Therefore, don't back down and keep putting up those Facebook statuses and Tweets. Keep strong brothers and sisters this fight will be ours in the end.
Let the sunshine in,
Noel Rodriguez.
Bingo, bangle, bungle, I'm so happy in the jungle.
Waiting around for my parents has sent me into an introspective survey of the way I am. I want to share facts about myself in the way made famous by Facebook. The 25 facts blurb. Here I am:
1. I own close to 100 if not more musical soundtracks. That says A LOT about myself.
2. I have an extreme fear of the ordinary. I want my life to be exciting, to mean something. I don't know what I'll do with myself if I look back at my life and nothing extraordinary has happened.
3. I think I'm funny. I enjoy the things I say. Is this vain? Possibly Do I care? Hell no.
4. I am a very emotional person in regards to the arts. For example, I can go plenty of funerals without crying. However, I can't sit through the song "Flesh Failures" from HAIR without weeping like a cry-baby. Check the song out...hopefully you'll be crying too and that will make me happy. Schadenfreude eh?
5. I don't think I'm getting anything from college that I did not already know.
6. I have a crush on EVERYONE!
7. I would take sweets over the best meal in the world.
8. There's a fear in the back of my head that I'll never find "the one". But like wayyyy waayyyyy back in my head.
9. "The Final Countdown" never seizes to amaze me. I bet it's probably stuck in your head right.......now!
10. People who write meaningless Facebook statuses are a nuisance to me. I don't care about your day..spice it up and say something worthwhile, something that will make me smile. Now those people are the ones that interest me. Not "So and so: _________ insert moronic complaint"
11. I usually never laugh the same way. All the ways are a tad obnoxious, silly, and childish. I also snort a lot.
12. I've never been more proud to be a gay man. However, I'm still coming to terms with certain members of the gay community. I think to move beyond the stereo-types people have of us we have to make a conscious effort to be superior. I see a lot of homosexuals striving for superiority in our country and that excites me. I hope more gays are empowered during these coming years of gay rights liberation to change the way we've been seen in the past and change the country and the world.
13. I usually check out bands people tell me and download the entire CD. I need to get better at actually listening to the music. I have soo many gb of music and I hardly listen to most of it. Time to expand. But electronic music is what's in for me right now. Loving: M83, Justice, Passion Pit and many others. Good time for music.
14. My mother is my idol
15. I want to grow old in Connecticut. In a large house with many gardens. I want to be surrounded by books and by children/grandchildren constantly visiting. I want to teach somewhere where students find it an honor to hear me speak. I want to leave my mark in the world before I leave it.
16. I think Kristin Bottary is going to be an amazing artist. She's one of those friends I'd really like to keep forever. She's sooooo talented. She certainly comes to mind when I think about people whose craft I truly respect.
17. I've finally decided it's time to lose weight. Not for anyone, for myself. Not for vanity because I'm perfectly comfortable with myself. However, it's time to shed this skin I've been living in for sooo long. Time to begin anew and to change the way I live, work, eat.
18. I've always promised myself that nothing would ever hold me back. It's working so far. Here's hoping for the future.
19. I've learned to never be envious of anyone else. We've all got our own gifts. Like Dorian Corey said "If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high...hooray for you!"
20. Even though they were horrible to the people around them I think Jerome Robbins and Arthur Laurents are two amazing figures in American Theatre.
21. I've come to enjoy really trashy television. It's rather hysterical. Examples: Charm School, I Love Money, etc.
22. I'm 19 about to turn 20 and have never had a pair of shoes I truly liked.
23. I have two favorite Overtures....Candide and South Pacific.
24. Really simple things give me great joy. Example: Ichatting with Leanne P. when she looks her best ;)
25. Red wine > White Wine. Always.
Reaction to MILK
I just saw MILK again.
I don’t know what to say.
I’m completely numb.
Utterly out of sync with reality.
This movie should be required viewing.
History books, you have a lot of wrongs to make right.
Harvey, where were you when I took U.S. History?
Stolen.
Erased.
Denied.
The s(l)aying goes:
“Those who don’t learn from history
are doomed. . .”
but what happens to those who steal,
erase, and deny?
Those who don’t learn from history,
those who don’t learn from his story,
those who don’t learn,
those who don’t,
learn from his story,
don’t learn history.
An Unreliable Mind
As I sit here on vacation in Tenerife one of the largest islands in the Canary Islands I can't fight the urge to write. I've decided that I would honor the bloggersphere with my presence. Honestly, I'm not that vain but have decided that it's time to share my writing, ideas, and down right insanity with the rest of the wide world. So this is a hello and welcome to the ideas of an unreliable mind. I titled the blog an unreliable mind because we are all partially insane. All humans omit and heighten details in their lives to make it all make sense or to make it all feel right. Presented henceforth are my omissions, my heightened events, and the details that make my life make sense. My sole purpose in sharing this with others is to connect you with your own creative voice and to make you aware of your own omissions, heightened events, and details. Enjoy!