Peaches and Cream

I “love me some” Real Housewives of Atlanta. After the other night’s premiere, I stumbled around my apartment in an Atlanta-induced haze. Season 2 started off bigger and badder than any episode in the history of the Housewives franchise. Even the peaches were brasher! I can just imagine NeNe going up to a producer and saying, “Last season’s peaches were too damn small. Get me some juicier peaches up in here. I want my peach to look like a big old titty”; at which point, Sheree cuts her off and declares, “Hell to the no; we want peaches that look like coochies, with a luscious, scrumptious crack right down the middle.” Lisa, ever the mediator, steps in and suggests, “What about coochie titties? We could have peaches that look like moist, buxom coochie titties!” Problem solved. Case closed.

I hate putting this idea out into the universe because I KNOW some a-hole is going to steal it; but, over the last year, I’ve been thinking about transcribing episodes of Atlanta and producing and starring in a stage version of the series, in which a cast of gay actors play all the Atlanta divas. If you live in Florida, have theatre connections, and are interested in this production, please contact me. The campiest of authors couldn’t come up some of the delicious, over-the-top dialogue and scenarios featured in Atlanta. I mean, who in their right mind would hold a charity fundraiser FOR a primarily African American audience IN the South, sell prominent black people AT AUCTION, and then ACT SURPRISED when nobody places a bid?

I’ve already decided which housewife I want to play. Most of you probably think I’m dying to play NeNe. Nope! With NeNe, what you see is what you get. I want to dig my drama claws in the most complex, duplicitous member of the Atlanta cast: Sheree, owner of She by Sheree fashion sketches and self-anointed guest of honor at every party she attends. On this week's episode, Sheree attended comic Niecy Nash’s birthday and acted like she had NO CLUE she was at a birthday party. That bitch’s bony ass spent the ENTIRE NIGHT at the “step and repeat.” Don’t confuse my “bitch” and “bony ass” description for vitriol. In the gay community, “bitch” and “bony ass” have SEVERAL meaning and connotations. “Bitch” is to the gay community what snow is to Eskimos. Kelly Bensimon (from the New York series) is a bitch, but in a bad way; when I call Kelly a bitch, I mean to say, “She’s a nasty shiksa whore.” And she is. When I call Sheree a bitch, I meant to say, “I LOVE Sheree!” I love her sketches, fashion “viewings,” and “fab-a-lus jury.” Almost every sentence that drips from her lips is poetry. Take, for example, some of last night’s gems:

“I would love/

to come in/

on a helicopter.”

&

“Who says,/

‘Yo mama’?/

What ever happened/

to customer service?”

Sheree does her best to put on a Valerie Cherish-like front, acting prim and proper when she has the fortitude to control her emotions; but, boy howdy, look out when blood stains her cheeks a rich crimson, ‘cuz muscles tear through her American Apparel shirt with the words “SHE by SHEree” silk screened on it, and the HULK becomes unleashed. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when she talks to producers after one of her many meltdowns. I imagine the scene playing out just like an episode of The Comeback.

Sheree: Can you go back and just erase that nonsense.

Producer: Nope.

Sheree: ‘Cuz I don’t think my fans care about me fighting.

Producer: I’ll tell you what, Sheree. We can’t erase it but we can flag it.

Sheree: Oh, you can flag it? Well, okay. Flag it then. Consider that whole scene flagged. The entire scene. Can you put two flags on it? You know what, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. Just flag it. Put a flag on it. That way the story editors will know not to use it. ‘Cuz it’s flagged. That whole scene is flagged.


Internet gods, you got me two book deals. All I ask from you now is to find a theatre producer for my play. I’m destined to play Sheree. DESTINED, I say! In fact, from now on, call me Re-ree (pronounced “ree-ray”), owner of Re (pronounced “ree” & short for “retarded”) by Re-ree.