You might be a dbag...

Special Reader’s Advisory: “Might” does not imply you ARE a douche bag. But, if you’re guilty of more than three things on this list, you probably ARE a douche bag.

1. If you are NOT Chinese and any inch of your skin is marked with tattoos of Chinese alphabetic characters, you might be a douche bag.

2. If you wear black trench coat in temperature exceeding 90 degrees, you might be a douche bag.

3. If you greet people with a sideways, 2-finger peace sign, you are more than likely a douche bag.

4. If you’re a vegan AND a smoker, you’re probably a douche bag.

5. If you add a superfluous “U” to words in an effort to sound more European (e.g., “favoUrite”), you might be a douche bag.

6. If you wear sunglasses INSIDE the gym and WHILE you are working out, you might be (and probably are) a douche bag.

7. If you post a Crag’s List “Missed Connection” to find a person you’ve already slept with, you’re a douche bag, unless you asked for, received, and lost the person’s number.

8. If you STILL wear upturned collars on your primary color polo shirts, youmight be are a douche bag.

9. If you have a beard BUT NOT a moustache, you might be a douche bag.

10. If people frequently refer to you as “juicy” or a “juice head,” you might be a douche bag.

11. If a chain connects your wallet to a belt loop, you just might be a douche bag.

12. If the BACK OF YOUR NECK is pierced, you might be a douche bag.

13. If you’re a customer service representative, make no mistake, you ARE a douche bag.

14. If you own ANYTHING that’s made out of old airplane seatbelts, you might be a douche bag.

15. If you regularly smoke pot OUT OF AN APPLE, you might be a douche bag.

16. If you have had more than ten spray tans and are not a Dancing with the Stars competitor, do not pass “Go”; you ARE a douche bag.

17. If MOST of your CLOSE friends are more than 15 years younger than you, you might be a douche bag.

18. If you have ever been divorced AND/OR had sex before “tying the knot,” and are against gay marriage because you claim to believe in its sanctity, you ARE a douche bag.

19. If you own more than two items with a skull and cross bones stitched into the fabric, you might be a douche bag.

20. If you use the term “douche bag” to describe annoying people and their habits, you’re most likely a douche bag.